DIANE'S GREAT ADVENTURE:
"What’s your name?”
The question seemed so simple. Yet, for me, it was so complex. Never before had I spoken to another soul about the woman inside. Now I was on the phone with Amy, a pleasant-sounding lady who ran Glamour Boutique in Las Vegas. She seemed, intuitively, to understand the inner me. So I gave her my name.
“No, your femme name!” said Amy. Ah, yes, that person I had hidden for so long from wife, family – even from myself. She could hide no longer. The need to know herself, and to be known and respected by others, was stronger than ever. I didn’t know it at the time but Amy – that kind voice on the phone – understood. She would help me find myself.
“Diane,” I timidly replied, embarrassed for not having figured out what she meant from the start. It was a beginning, the first tentative step. Until then, I had only played, inexpertly, with lipstick and mascara. I had a poor wig I had bought the previous Halloween. I owned just one dress, having disposed of several others over the years. Later that day, that conservative, ankle-length silk dress would accompany me as I drove up to my appointment with Amy – and destiny.
As I neared Amy’s boutique, I grew more determined than ever, though I remained quite anxious. As I opened the door, Amy greeted me with her beautiful smile and eyes that seemed to know me more than I knew myself. She introduced herself and my anxiety was quickly replaced by excitement as I gazed with amazement at her wall of glamour shots – those who had passed this way before. They were so beautiful. Soon I would have my own professional makeover and photo shoot!
I hadn’t brought the necessary undergarments. I needed a good wig. Amy had those in her well-stocked shop, and she helped me select an appropriate hairstyle that I wear to this day. After I dressed, Amy led me to her well-appointed makeup room. As we chatted, she performed her magic.
I decided to close my eyes as she worked so I could meet the woman inside fully made up. It would be a like formal introduction. I wanted it to be magic. When she had finished, I opened my eyes with wonder. There I was, Diane, gazing at myself in the looking glass. I was beautiful! I always thought I would be, but had never seen the evidence. Now here she was – I was. I saw my mother’s eyes, the way she looked when she was very young and pretty, as I recalled from her pictures. My eyes began to water. Amy told me not to cry so I wouldn’t ruin the makeup, but it was hard.
Then I stepped in front of Amy’s camera, shyly at first, then bolder with her encouragement. My nervous smile gave way to a relaxed and happy look as I posed at her expert direction. I changed into a few other outfits I had selected from the shop. I was a model, sexy and demure. When it was finally over, Amy made a CD for me and it was time to return to the real world.
Amy told me of her plans to host a Halloween party a few weeks later. The girls would get made up and then go out to a nearby transgender-friendly lounge for dancing and fun. Would I like to come, too? The thought frightened and excited me. I had never stepped outside as Diane, and I didn’t think I could do it. Once Amy had answered all my questions, however, I knew it was my destiny. But she insisted that I choose a woman’s Halloween costume, not just a dress. It was Halloween, after all. From her shop I picked out a sexy red saloon girl’s dress, a petticoat and a new wig. I was really going to go out!
As the magic day grew close, I thought often of Wendy, the fictional transgender character of the 1966 novel, “I Want What I Want,” by Geoff Brown. Wendy considered her anxiety at stepping out in a dress for the first time. “And yet the fear would make the experience more intense,” she reasoned. “When I get out the fear and joy would thrill in me. It would be the most extreme moment of my life. I would walk over an abyss into heaven. … I would go through the looking glass.”
Like Wendy, I, too, was about to go through that looking glass. I was afraid, but I knew, “I want what I want.” So I tried on the saloon dress and felt so happy. I was on my way to a brave new world, and there was no turning back.
On Halloween, I rested until my appointment with Amy, and then headed over for my makeover. It was everything I had hoped and dreamed. I looked at myself in the mirror, pleased. With encouragement from the new girlfriends I met at Glamour Boutique, I stepped outside into the cool evening air and walked in low heels two blocks to the lounge. Passing drivers beeped at us in appreciation. We smiled and waved in return, and settled down at tables once we arrived at our destination.
The night was fun. I didn’t know how to dance, but a wonderful lady took my hand and led me to the dance floor, where I quickly began to have a blast. I even received a nice compliment from a man at the bar. My ego was soaring.
I knew everything had changed that night. Soon, I would introduce Diane to my wife, and though that was hard for both of us, she has been very kind and understanding. Soon, she returned with me to meet Amy. After makeovers, we went out with Amy to a local restaurant for dinner. Just three girls out on the town! We’ve been back several times since then, for Amy’s Halloween parties and even to see La Cage at the Riviera. With the help of Glamour Boutique, we were glamorous each time, and loved it.
None of this would have happened without the professionalism, kindness and friendship that Amy has shown me. I’ve matured a lot since my first makeover, and it’s been a positive experience. I now have a sense of acceptance with myself, and pride. Amy’s skill with makeup helped opened that door, but I had to walk through it myself. Knowing she was there gave me courage.
Meeting others like me, who have ventured down this road with dignity and grace, helped me to find the courage I lacked. Now, I know who I am.
My name is Diane! Glad to meet you